xXHaunted_CookieXx
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Registered: 17/09/07
Posts: 9
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| | 17/09/07 at 03:44 PM | Reply with quote | #1 |
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Enter, a poet with apparently no skill.
She sits in the dark, and these poems are the outcome.
There is no reason to the way they are constructed, other than her emotions; and no order to their posting other than the order they were written.
The poet exits, and shares with you her first poem.
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If you let me I could,
I'd show you how to build your fences,
Set restrictions, separate from the world.
The constant battle that you hate to fight,
Just blame the limelight.
-Paramore (Fences) |
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xXHaunted_CookieXx
Active Member
Registered: 17/09/07
Posts: 9
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| | 17/09/07 at 03:45 PM | Reply with quote | #2 |
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Morphine ache, agony, affliction abatement, comfort, ease suffering, wound, anguish solace, liberation, respite affliction, aggrivement, sufferance deliverance, salvation, assuagement black white dark light a word, a touch, a look the needle and the drug love <3
__________________
If you let me I could,
I'd show you how to build your fences,
Set restrictions, separate from the world.
The constant battle that you hate to fight,
Just blame the limelight.
-Paramore (Fences) |
| Loading... | |
Norman
Regular Contributer
Registered: 09/09/07
Posts: 16
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| | 17/09/07 at 04:40 PM | Reply with quote | #3 |
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Hi cookie, glad to read your verses 
Suppose this is the first of a collection...perhaps it's too little to comment yet...i'd love to see more...to see if they're all like that. Still I suppose you posted to have some feedback.
I like your words, they speak of conflicts, of opposites, yet finding a union in love, perhaps joining at the end of a needle...interesting i must say. Maybe a bit too disjointed if i may...but the message is there, strong and clear.
Not too sure about 'aggrivement', are you sure you got that right?
Oh, and I just love your intro, kinda poetic in itself!!
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Writing's great, it's the paperwork that sucks.. |
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xXHaunted_CookieXx
Active Member
Registered: 17/09/07
Posts: 9
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| | 18/09/07 at 02:50 PM | Reply with quote | #4 |
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Love/Hate Relationship Love A word A touch A look The tingle of light touches The lock of eyes The drowning of words Not a care in the world Hate A word A touch A look The sting of skin The blaze of eyes A storm of words The weight of the world
__________________
If you let me I could,
I'd show you how to build your fences,
Set restrictions, separate from the world.
The constant battle that you hate to fight,
Just blame the limelight.
-Paramore (Fences) |
| Loading... | |
Norman
Regular Contributer
Registered: 09/09/07
Posts: 16
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| | 18/09/07 at 04:15 PM | Reply with quote | #5 |
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xXHaunted_CookieXx, you do a great play on words here to show both extremes, i loved the way you opened both sides with the same 3 lines and the way you expressed such different results in the next 4 practically keeping the same words :
The tingle of light touches/The sting of skin The lock of eyes/The blaze of eyes The drowning of words/A storm of words Not a care in the world/The weight of the world I love the feel of "the tingle of light touches" but yet is a pity you could not end that with 'skin' to keep that close pattern. Yet I suppose this goes along the 'morphine' theme so in that case, both 'tingle' and 'sting' have strong meaning there. Nice work!
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Writing's great, it's the paperwork that sucks.. |
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xXHaunted_CookieXx
Active Member
Registered: 17/09/07
Posts: 9
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| | 20/09/07 at 03:35 PM | Reply with quote | #6 |
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Dressed To Kill All dolled up with nowhere to go A smile to melt any heart And a heart of frozen glass Betrayed by a lover
Who was ensnared by another All dolled up and somewhere to be An outfit to make jaws drop An appointment to keep And dressed to kill A knife in a boot And a heart on my sleeve And a broken heart I’m gonna make you feel You walk up and act so cool But I act first Nowhere to run Nowhere to hide A knife in your heart And a your blood on my hands So how does it feel? Dying for love?
__________________
If you let me I could,
I'd show you how to build your fences,
Set restrictions, separate from the world.
The constant battle that you hate to fight,
Just blame the limelight.
-Paramore (Fences) |
| Loading... | |
Norman
Regular Contributer
Registered: 09/09/07
Posts: 16
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| | 21/09/07 at 08:23 AM | Reply with quote | #7 |
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Hi xXHaunted_CookieXx... I like this, you're dressed to kill and out to avenge your broken heart. I especially liked the nice twist at the end. If I may I'd suggest a couple of slight touches: I'd remove the starting 'ands' in some lines as you have too many, like in 'And a heart on my sleeve' or 'And a broken heart I’m gonna make you feel' or 'And your blood on my hands'. Just some suggestions in red... A knife in a boot My heart on my sleeve A broken heart I’m gonna make you feel and... Nowhere to run Nowhere to hide A knife in your heart Your blood on my hands Lastly, I have an idea for an alternate ending: So how does it feel To be betrayed by love? To be honest I'm not sure if I prefer that to the original as 'Dying for love' is stronger, but I had this idea about betrayed to give it a nice taste of revenge and I wanted to share this with you...
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Writing's great, it's the paperwork that sucks.. |
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xXHaunted_CookieXx
Active Member
Registered: 17/09/07
Posts: 9
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| | 21/11/07 at 08:47 PM | Reply with quote | #8 |
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Suicide From up here, The people look so small. Like ants running about Just to get where they're going. I suppose we're all like ants, Be born. Work. Die. But sometimes, love comes in. Did I ever say I love you? You did once. We were walking. "I love you," you said. I couldn't say anything. But with the people getting bigger, And the ground getting closer, I look at where I'm sure you've gone, With your drugs and love. With the wind rushing past, "I love you too" Is all I have time to whisper. I'd never said anything truer.
__________________
If you let me I could,
I'd show you how to build your fences,
Set restrictions, separate from the world.
The constant battle that you hate to fight,
Just blame the limelight.
-Paramore (Fences) |
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